1. |
BDF
04:38
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let's stop for a second and take a breath; it seems we only feel when we've got so much left
i know i'm not usually one to speak but sometimes it feels like we won't last another week
arguing then joking about our futures, it's not that i don't care because it's quite clear that sometimes i actually do
it's not as if the situation is serious
it is not the way you may think it seems
it has never been about the absence of a lover, but more about the knowledge that the kill isn't felt by me
and the fear that someday it will all be left behind
it's not like it was much anyway.
and in the end we'll all be to blame.
but a guilty conscience is never what i had in mind
i'd change everything that's happened if i could just go back in time
i've had no sleep and i'm running out of words
it looks like i've got the worst of both worlds
i'm finally asleep yet i'm still wide awake
i finally realise now that everything is at stake.
shouldn't darkness bring me rest? (not this aching in my body)
it feels like it's my worst nightmare. (to be alone and be at fault)
i know it isn't much to ask (but i haven't kept my promises)
and i've never been so terrified
i've lost everything that's ever been worth anything.
it's like that feeling
when you sit down somewhere
and you can feel a presence behind you
but you know nothing is there
and you go and search anyway
and you knew nothing would come of it
so you sit back down
and it gradually comes back
it always comes back.
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2. |
Melford Manner
03:48
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and i'll never have enough words to say.
i'll write them down or keep them in but my thoughts are still at bay.
they think the alcohol is the cause of the stress
but without it, it's the same; i'm still a mess
and i'm sick and i'm fucking tired
and i'm rolling in bed because i live with the fact that i'm a liar
not because i am honest and the world is against me
because if that was the case i'd probably already have given in
but it's so much simpler when i've mistaken every insecurity as an attempt to kill me
so what will cure me?
so what will cure my apparent fears?
will it be a constant unattainable dream
or will be that i'll just burst at the seams?
i just think i've got a case of a life being overrun by how i imagined things would be
i didn't think i'd be attached to someone even more than my family
and i don't think this will be enough to emphasise the empathy i put into all of my trust.
so tell me that you'll stick around even if you're not in love.
even if my hands lose feeling, just tell me that you'll still hold me close by your side
and even if i go blind in both of my eyes
just tell me that you'll never, never look through me.
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3. |
Deep Search
04:08
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I can feel the crooked smile writhing it's way into my view, it's not meaning much right now but i'm sure in time like everything else some sense will be due. And once again I don't like the sound of my own voice but in this traffic that's all that I can hear. I know I've been told that I should see someone about this but maybe that's proof of what I really need: everyone to stop telling me what's right, stop telling me what's under my skin controlling my life. I know the years have drawn past and I'm echoing the same name, but I have control in some sense; I know exactly who's to blame. I feel as if their eyes are watching over me. Waiting for me to make a mistake and give up on everything. You were never one to sympathise with dishonesty, but I'd be lying if I said that any of this was easy. It's hard to think that so much can amount to nothing. It's been such a long time and I've got no proof of happiness. The only thing I can really confirm is that it grips me like a sudden wind chill when I've got no warm clothes. So I cherish my bed to sleep in where I'm calm and the cold just disappears. Away with my thoughts, and the negative connotations, when I wake up though I'll be in the same situation.
So instead of having another lonely night, I'll go spend some money so I can't feel my thoughts. Because that way I will have another story to tell whilst out living these fantasies themselves. We'll laugh and we'll joke and we'll tell pretentious lies, you worry too much just have one drink tonight. "I promise we won't laugh too much, you'll be fine tomorrow." That's what you said last time, look at all my fucking sorrow. I can smell an aroma of perfection from the bar, that long, red unnatural hair is all too much. What is that you said to me, you want to hear a joke? You stopped and you smiled, you laughed, then you spoke.
it hit me hard.
it's like a violent wave collapsing.
so unexpectedly powerful in all of it's truth.
i knew it all along and it was looking at me right in the eyes when you left me so long ago
the answer I'd been looking for wasn't in the blame I'd sought but in taking responsibility for something so drastic
unimaginable thoughts swept across me.
she ran out the room and looked back as she smiled
so imperfect, so crooked, so undefined
i heard a voice yell at me, "hey look here!"
you're looking in the mirror and it's a quarter to three.
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4. |
I Want You Out
04:16
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and no exotic birds and no seashells i have found, could even replicate these god awful screams
there's not an echo in my entire surrounding, no one hears a thing but to me it's loud and clear
there is too much viscosity and my feet won't leave the ground
everybody's harking at me and i'm too afraid to move around
i've got no will to fight and i almost can't feel my legs
i can taste your skin and i can feel your breath
i've got so much but there is nothing left in front of me
it's not even enough when it burns like a spider bite on every pore from the inside out
like some perfectly placed coals beneath my ribs.
like an agonising concert where it never seems to hit the crescendo
like an alcoholic father who is never impressed no matter the lengths you go.
there has always been this indecisive cancer in my brain
growing and expanding, i wash it away with empty optimism
like a parasite it's tugging at the wires which control the path i take
one day it will steer this trainwreck off the rails of this neverending track.
and when destitution takes a hold of you, what is left to obtain other than absence and the thoughts undue?
it feels like i should have something between
what makes me contort, and what rips at my spleen.
and i want to know the feeling of a million burning suns
and i want to know what it is like to tear at the flesh until paralysis comes
i am not suffocating but i can't catch my breath
i am in between dying
and living for what's left.
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5. |
Eviction
03:50
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i felt like caving in. it felt like i was being eaten alive.
you could storm the weather for weeks, months, years
but no matter the exhausting endeavour, there will always be a greater pinnacle.
and i have been questioned: should this be about gluttenous reward?
or is the pleasure and pain endured something more than life itself?
but enjoyment is too farfetched for a weary traveller
whose eyes have been opened to far too many golden lockets.
so does that mean...
we are afraid, or are we just lost?
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